It’s funny—when I think about publishing a piece of writing, I often squirm under the presumable impressions of my close friends; I feel like they would judge me and think I am “full of it,” to put it simply. The truth is that my writing voice indeed sounds differently from my chilling-out-with-friends voice. Either voice, however, is my own. What a struggle writers and all people alike face: finding our voices.
Today is just one of those days…
I have to force myself to be happy.
Yet again, I lack an understanding of my current emotional state.
But my phone just lit up all by itself, so at least that was amusing.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
–Theodore Roosevelt
I have a passion for etiquette. For rules, traditions. Let it be my burden. But, oh, let it be my joy.
“An old Cherokee told his grandson, ‘My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.’
The boy thought about it, and asked, ‘Grandfather, which wolf wins?’
The old man quietly replied, ‘The one you feed.'”
–Author unknown
Generally speaking, I tend to hesitate when it comes to determining the state of my emotions. I normally have no clue what I feel; I only know that I, indeed, feel something. Today, I stumbled across a peculiar indicator to help me out: I know I feel happy when I have my appetite, when food looks good again.
I came to this discovery while I browsed Pinterest this morning—-one of my favorite pastimes. Normally, seeing food on Pinterest makes me feel nauseated; today, however, I felt thoroughly excited upon seeing such delicious recipes in front of me. I even felt a little hungrier, which never happens. And that’s when I realized a shift within me.
It’s no secret that these past few months have been hard on me; just take one look at my morbid blog, and you’ll see for yourself. But today, I noticed that I am on the uphill battle. Isn’t it funny that food got me here?
…my heart is so full that I could burst. I say to myself, “I’m going to die one of these days,” and my witty counterpart says to me, “Well yeah.”
And what is it, you may ask, that fills my heart so?
I can’t say I know one specific answer to that question. I often sit and wonder what it is that I’m feeling because truly, I do not know. Yesterday I was full of bitchiness and attitude; today, my heart feels warm and fuzzy, as though I’m in love…but I’m not. I’m definitely not.
Just sitting here at my desk, I feel like I could jump up and scream with all the energy I have inside me. I feel my heart pounding so heavily against my chest, as if it wants to break free from captivity. My breathing has quickened, and my normal edginess has faded away. Quite honestly, it’s as if I’m drunk right now…but I’m not. I’m definitely not.
I guess I still have no clue what’s going on with myself. I’m still learning my own tendencies, and I don’t know if that will ever stop.
…you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, I cringe a little. Isn’t love supposed to be selfless? Isn’t it supposed to be sacrifice, putting others’ needs before your own, putting yourself last?
That’s not to say loving yourself is wrong. Life is long, and we all end up alone; it is right to come to terms with our own selves. It is right to find happiness in lonely times.
It is wrong, however, to focus entirely on loving yourself as a pre-cursor to loving others. Love others more than you love yourself. Love others on the way to finding love for yourself. But please, I beg, do not dismiss your love for others because you’re “working on yourself first.”
“Some lose all mind and become soul, insane. Some lose all soul and become mind, intellectual. Some lose both and become accepted.”
-Bukowski
I laugh at past me, idealize present me, and despair of future me.
Mysterious Balances 