Month: July 2014

Her Window of Time

Every morning she brushed her teeth, and she pulled the window curtain back to look out onto the world. She could see everything from her neighbor’s yard of dirt on her left to the church’s parking lot on her right, and in between them she saw the green, luscious yard of her own stretching three acres back to the tree line. She looked at the one deep hill that rolled into her family’s designated football field, where they gathered every Labor Day to make fools of themselves. She glanced at the rectangular-shaped patch of new grass, where the vegetable garden of her childhood used to grow. She even cast a passing glance at the shabby garage, which had an unbecoming tin roof and a yellow tint to the once-white walls. She continued brushing her teeth and laughed at the irony.
After she spit and rinsed, her day went on quite normally. She trudged along to her day job, passed the time away at her desk, and trudged right back home. At night she skipped brushing her teeth, but she always looked forward to her morning window time.

Quote

Quote #2

“An old Cherokee told his grandson, ‘My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.

 

One is Evil.  It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.  The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.’

 

The boy thought about it, and asked, ‘Grandfather, which wolf wins?’

 

The old man quietly replied, ‘The one you feed.'”

 

–Author unknown

Food is a Funny Thing

Generally speaking, I tend to hesitate when it comes to determining the state of my emotions.  I normally have no clue what I feel; I only know that I, indeed, feel something.  Today, I stumbled across a peculiar indicator to help me out: I know I feel happy when I have my appetite, when food looks good again.

 

I came to this discovery while I browsed Pinterest this morning—-one of my favorite pastimes.  Normally, seeing food on Pinterest makes me feel nauseated; today, however, I felt thoroughly excited upon seeing such delicious recipes in front of me.  I even felt a little hungrier, which never happens.  And that’s when I realized a shift within me.

 

It’s no secret that these past few months have been hard on me; just take one look at my morbid blog, and you’ll see for yourself.  But today, I noticed that I am on the uphill battle.  Isn’t it funny that food got me here?

Nowadays…

…my heart is so full that I could burst. I say to myself, “I’m going to die one of these days,” and my witty counterpart says to me, “Well yeah.”

And what is it, you may ask, that fills my heart so?

I can’t say I know one specific answer to that question. I often sit and wonder what it is that I’m feeling because truly, I do not know. Yesterday I was full of bitchiness and attitude; today, my heart feels warm and fuzzy, as though I’m in love…but I’m not. I’m definitely not.

Just sitting here at my desk, I feel like I could jump up and scream with all the energy I have inside me. I feel my heart pounding so heavily against my chest, as if it wants to break free from captivity. My breathing has quickened, and my normal edginess has faded away. Quite honestly, it’s as if I’m drunk right now…but I’m not. I’m definitely not.

I guess I still have no clue what’s going on with myself. I’m still learning my own tendencies, and I don’t know if that will ever stop.

When people say…

…you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, I cringe a little. Isn’t love supposed to be selfless? Isn’t it supposed to be sacrifice, putting others’ needs before your own, putting yourself last?

That’s not to say loving yourself is wrong. Life is long, and we all end up alone; it is right to come to terms with our own selves. It is right to find happiness in lonely times.

It is wrong, however, to focus entirely on loving yourself as a pre-cursor to loving others. Love others more than you love yourself. Love others on the way to finding love for yourself. But please, I beg, do not dismiss your love for others because you’re “working on yourself first.”